before we were gods...a large fraction of my love goes out

I exist.
God does not.
Keiran Swart said that.
What better place to start?
Always louder than a fart
that question sounds
unless it’s slipped into a context
we’ve agreed upon
or ripped inside a room described in paper.

See you later,
I persist
in thoughts that smell like this instead.
Like paper burning
thanks to flames
from lighters
in your head.

The question stays
What a better place to start?
What a pivot to turn upon says Lamar,
a black man I met in my ex-friend’s car
my respect for him must seem small from afar,
after all,
he had just justified his existence
of drug slanging,
gang banging and blunt smoking,
his jail time and missing teeth,
with Brent Rees to testify as witness,
of my words speaking to him like litmus
turning blue, the poor kid is so basic,
if only he was whiter
he reaches for the lighter
and sparks the b, I see
he takes three million drags, I count them out
he sees the sorrow in my eyes
three million babies cry
drowning in their own blood, look
three million more drags counted
I’m astounded by this man’s lungs,
but then he says

my God!
I could never replicate something so idiotic!
But wait,
I mean no disrespect, Lamar
your gun is pointing from afar
and suddenly my respect for you seems large
my words to you will ring melodic
though despotic is their reign inside my mind,
so now you find,
after three million years you’re still alive,
it’s thanks to me,
I hope we’ll smoke this blunt in peace,
I’m bringing Marcus, Berto, Tal and Freeman with us too.
It’s true, I’ll finally say
my love can now go up in smoke
because if by today this love
still brings tears to my bloodshot eyes
which look upon a blurred existence with a sigh
all I’ve left to say of love is
fuck
I hate you
Die, you dreaded bitch
I hope you

see me again,
I’ll persist
in your mind forever
if these few words I put together suffice
to fill the hole I dug so deep
inside your mind,
forever I’ll persist.

For as long as I love you
I exist.